Time for a story, my friend…
After finishing high school I remember the excitement of going to China with my mum and little sister, a much anticipated holiday before starting university the following year. The city I grew up in as a child had changed so much, and there was so much to see, places to go, and a lot of eating sprinkled into almost every activity. Food is a big deal in Chinese culture.
As far as I remember, I didn’t pay too much attention to weight or how I looked, but there was a particular incident that totally changed the trajectory of the following decade of my life.
It was at a private room in a large restaurant, and my mum said something to her friend sitting across the big round table (the kind with a Lazy Susan turntable in the middle to be exact).
I don’t even recall the exact words, but it was something about how both her and I have put on weight since coming to China… Because of all the delicious foods and meals out. Said with outward jest, but I could sense the tone of shame and embarrassment underneath it.
I didn’t know how to react. But it was so uncomfortable that I could only look down and avoid any eye contact with anyone at the table. I could also feel my own self-judgement and shame percolating inside. Have I become fat? Am I eating too much?
Without any ability to consciously control my next actions, I felt embarrassed to be eating, and put down the chopsticks.
After that incident, I distinctly remember the determination I felt to “go on a diet and lose weight once I go back to NZ”.
An unconscious declaration that became the first step toward a disordered relationship with food and my body.
Now that I put the pieces together, it’s no surprise that my struggles with food and body image began when I started university the following year.
Things that mother said, and the energy you felt from her – can form massive stories that you unconsciously carry with you for a long time.
This goes both ways of course, but I’m only speaking of the limiting stories.
If you internalized the shame or the self-judgement she had of herself, or projected onto you, it will show up in whatever aspect of your life that will get your attention.
For me, at that restaurant I detected she was ashamed of herself and of me, and wanted to appear differently to others. A short while after I started obsessively dieting and counting calories, which eventually spiraled into an eating disorder. I tried to ignore this at first, but boy did it get my attention eventually!
The funny thing is as I was going through it all, I didn’t even know my relationship with mum had anything to do with it.
I simply thought “I have a food and willpower problem”, and zero clue that there were underlying emotions and stories that drove my compulsive behaviours.
I’m pointing this out because this is powerful intel.
If you’re a woman and you’re struggling with weight or food-related issues, there’s a good chance you’re unconsciously playing out the unhealed dynamics in your relationship with your mother.
To add another beautifully nuanced layer:
And then, even when you DO become aware that your food issues have something to do with your relationship to mother, you might NOT want to heal them.
Why?
Because this limiting story you have about yourself, the self-judgement you share with your mother…
Weirdly connects you two together. It’s a problem you both have in common.
You might feel a call to grow bigger than this old story, but you’re more afraid of losing that connection with mother.
If you free yourself from the self-judgement and shame, if you release the old story that you need to be a certain way in order to be approved of, you’re cutting that common cord with your mother, and maybe you’ll even surpass her! This feels threatening to your current identity.
Who would you be without the self-criticism?
How would it feel in your body to accept yourself?
Would your mother become jealous of you?
Will she love you less then?
These new possibilities of being feel completely foreign to your body and what your nervous system is used to. So you continue to unconsciously seek her approval and maintain the familiar level of connection.
You tether yourself to the familiar patterns of self-criticism and shame, just like your mother is still that way with herself.
These are hidden dynamics that most will overlook, because we all want healing to look like love and light streamed through beautiful Instagram filters. But the truth is: you have to understand the shame, egoic attachments, and the true state of your internal affairs – even if they reveal conflicts you wish weren’t there.
The Good News is: once you’re aware of this nuanced piece of the puzzle, you’re much better placed to move forward on your path. And even better still – your mother doesn’t need to change in order for you to be okay.
All that’s required, is your willingness to see and accept the parts of YOU that feels ashamed of yourself.
All you need to do, is not stand in the way while your body releases these emotions and stories. (through tears, movement, healing conversations, physically shaking, perhaps even detox reactions that look like illness, and more)
All you need to do, is accept your shame instead of disowning it for fear of rejection or disapproval.
In the end, the only approval you’re actually seeking is your own. The only thing hurting you is your own repressing of the aspects of you that your mother couldn’t love.
Simple. (but not necessarily easy to do)
There’s a mysterious process that happens between when you’re unwilling to look at those repressed parts, and moving towards being willing to see and release them.
An awareness of this process is perhaps the first step on that path.