The steps to heal, are one truth at a time.
– Dr. Cassie Huckaby
Many years ago I heard the medical intuitive, Caroline Myss, proclaim that –– we’re not able to lie.
She said our bodies are designed in a way that literally cannot hold the frequency of a lie without consequence.
Sure, you can deceive yourself, or you could lie to others and think you’re getting away with it. But you’re not, really.
All you’re doing: is postponing the reality check that’s coming your way.
You might experience unwanted symptoms, repeatedly have the same injuries and aches, or be in relationships that keep reflecting the same errors you’re making. All of these, if you choose to own and learn from them, are ways that life tries to get your attention and re-calibrate you to be in alignment with your truth.
Looking back on my struggles with food with this powerful insight, it certainly rang true for me. And I’d like to share this story with you.
In my late teens and early 20’s I became obsessed with food and exercise.
Not because I loved food or loved to move my body, but because I didn’t like my body and I thought if I diet and exercise to change the way it looks, then I’d like myself more.
It started mild at first, with just walking everywhere and sticking to a certain number of calories per day. I only permitted myself to eat half the caloric requirements of an adult (because that’s how you lose weight, right? Eat less?), and walked at least an hour a day. I remember always feeling hungry, but at times I’d also feel a weird high from being starved – I knew I was getting thinner, so “it’s all worth it”.
Obviously – this was not sustainable. And I remember on weekends I would binge on all the chips, crackers, candy bars… The more processed the food, the better. For brief moments I’d forget about the calories and how much weight I’d be gaining… But come Monday I’ll be “back on track”.
And this was life for a while.
As time went on, and the underlying emotions continually ignored, things had to ramp up a little. I still remember that exact morning when I ate a few too many steamed buns, then went to class, walked up a hill – but still felt uncomfortably full after all that. I remember thinking – there’s no way I could “burn off” those calories even if I didn’t eat anything else for the rest of the day, so I convincingly lied to myself…
“…It’s okay to just clear the system, the Romans had vomitoriums for when they ate too much, right?”
And that was the beginning of another chapter. A rather destructive and all-consuming one.
I would binge and purge for close to 7 years. I would uncontrollably binge eat, put my body under so much physical strain, and then purge to relieve the discomfort that I’d uncontrollably and unconsciously manufactured.
With the wisdom of hindsight, I can now see how perfect that symptom was.
When I wasn’t being true to me – I was literally purging all the time.
That was the cost to being disconnected to myself.
I was unconsciously following a path laid out by others who believed that – that path, and only that path, would lead to approval, happiness, and success. I never thought to question what even was my idea of happiness and success, because I was so unaware and so disconnected to myself.
But of course, one cannot suppress their truth without consequence, so my body found the perfect symptom to get my attention – it’s almost poetic.
.
.
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I’m grateful to say that those years are behind me. But at the same time I don’t resent those years. When you learn to be more honest with yourself, your also learn to accept more of the shame, fear, and powerlessness that drove the unwanted behaviours.
I share this story because there’s a lesson in here:
When I was bulimic I believed that I needed to follow the socially-accepted path of going to university, studying something useful, and then get a socially-accepted and reputable job after graduating. At no time were my own hopes and desires even relevant. It was all about fitting in and preparing for the next approved thing.
It’s not to say that those things are “bad”. They’re all good options. But they were not the right thing for me at the time.
I wasn’t in touch with my own essence, I wasn’t expressing what was inside of me – and so I obsessed over food and weight.
Well, it turns out – you can’t lie to yourself without consequence!
I was actually trying to avoid deeper questions, so I just kept suppressing the small inner voice that was trying to tell me something.
Most of us were raised and educated in ways that make an appreciation of authenticity exceedingly difficult.
We learned very early to deny what we are feeling, to wear a mask, and ultimately to lose contact with many aspects of our inner selves.
We became unconscious of much of our inner selves – in the name of adjustment to the world around us.
– Nathaniel Branden
So.
Because your body won’t allow you to lie to yourself without consequence, here’s a clue for you:
If you’re bingeing, overeating, emotionally eating, or just feel so out-of-control in your relationship with food in other ways…
Take a look at how honest you’re being with yourself. Take a look at where you might be acting in conflict with your true values and beliefs.
If something feels off in your life, it’s not too scary to ask:
“Is this the life I want to be living, like REALLY really?”
“Is this path the right one for me?”
Not what society says is the “right” direction, or what you think would make your family proud, but what’s really true for you.
I bet if you can sit still for a while, you’ll hear that voice for you. And I wonder what would happen to your issues with food and weight once you start to follow your inner guidance system?
