The steps to heal, are one truth at a time.
– Dr. Cassie Huckaby
Many years ago I heard Caroline Myss – the medical intuitive/mystic healer – talk about how we’re not able to lie.
She said that our bodies are designed in a way that literally cannot hold the frequency of a lie without consequence.
Sure, you can deceive yourself, or you could lie to others and think you’re getting away with it. But you’re not. All you’re doing, is postponing the reality check that’s coming your way.
The body will keep score, and Universal laws cannot be bypassed. You’ll have symptoms, repeatedly have the same injuries, or be in relationships that keep reflecting the same errors you’re making, and Life itself – will bring you back to clean up your messes and re-calibrate you to be in alignment with your truth.
I remember the shivers and goosebumps I got after hearing that.
It just felt True. No reasoning, rationalizing, or trying to “make sense” of it – was required. I couldn’t care less if others believed it or not. There was no need to convince anyone else. I know what True feels like in my body.
Looking back on my life with this powerful insight, I saw that it rang true in my own experiences. And I’d like to share one such story with you.
In my late teens and early 20’s I became obsessed with food and exercise.
Not because I loved food or loved to move my body, but because I didn’t like my body and I thought if I diet and exercise to change the way it looks, then I’d like myself more.
It started mild at first, with just walking everywhere on foot and sticking to a certain number of calories per day. I only permitted myself to eat half the caloric requirements of an adult (because that’s how you lose weight, right? Eat less?), and walked at least an hour a day. I remember always feeling hungry, but at times I’d also feel a weird high from being starved – I knew I was getting thinner, so it’s all worth it.
Obviously – this was not sustainable. And I remember on weekends I would binge on all the chips, crackers, candy bars… The more processed the food, the better. For brief moments I’d forget about the calories and how much weight I’d be gaining… But come Monday I’ll be “back on track”.
And this was life for a while.
As time went on, and the underlying emotions continually ignored, things had to ramp up a little. I still remember that exact morning when I ate a few too many steamed buns, then went to class, walked up a hill – but still felt uncomfortably full after all that. I remember thinking – there’s no way I could “burn off” those calories even if I didn’t eat anything else for the rest of the day, so I convincingly lied to myself…
“…It’s okay to just clear the system, the Romans had vomitoriums for when they ate too much, right?”
And that was the beginning of another chapter. A rather destructive and all-consuming one.
I was bulimic for close to 7 years. I would uncontrollably binge eat, put my body under so much physical strain, and then purge to relieve the discomfort that I’d uncontrollably and unconsciously manufactured.
With the wisdom of hindsight, I can now see how perfect that symptom was.
When I wasn’t being true to me – I was literally purging all the time.
That was the cost to being disconnected to myself.
I was unconsciously following a path laid out by others who believed that – that path, and only that path, would lead to approval, happiness, and success. I never thought to question what even was my idea of happiness and success, because I was so unaware and so disconnected to myself.
But of course, one cannot suppress their truth without consequence, so my body found the perfect symptom to get my attention – it’s almost poetic. If my body could have left me a note all those years ago, this is what it would’ve looked like:
“Hi honey,
You’re sleepwalking down a path that will not fulfill you. You’re not yet aware of this. And you’ve been unconsciously keeping yourself busy, so that you’re never still enough hear me.
However, I know you HAVE noticed that you’ve been bingeing and purging for a few years now. I’m sorry it had to be so dramatic, but it’s the only thing that could get your attention.
Sweetie, you literally can’t stomach this path. This is the clearest way I can say it.
When you’re ready, make some adjustments, okay?
xoxo,
your body.
ps – chasing thinness won’t make you happy, it’s just another distraction.”
I’m grateful to say that those years are behind me. But at the same time I don’t resent those years either. When you learn to be more honest with yourself, your also learn to accept more of the shame, fear, and powerlessness that drove the unwanted behaviours.
I share this story because there’s a lesson in here:
When I was bulimic I believed that I needed to follow the socially-accepted path of going to university, studying something useful, and then get a socially-accepted and reputable job after graduating. At no time were my own hopes and desires even relevant. It was all about fitting in and preparing for the next approved thing.
It’s not to say that those things are not for you. They’re all good options. But they were not the right thing for me at the time.
I wasn’t in touch with my own essence, I wasn’t expressing what was inside of me – and so I obsessed over food and weight.
Well, it turns out – you can’t lie to yourself without consequence!
I was actually trying to avoid deeper questions, so I just kept suppressing the small inner voice that was trying to tell me something.
Most of us were raised and educated in ways that make an appreciation of authenticity exceedingly difficult.
We learned very early to deny what we are feeling, to wear a mask, and ultimately to lose contact with many aspects of our inner selves.
We became unconscious of much of our inner selves – in the name of adjustment to the world around us.
– Nathaniel Branden
So.
Because your body won’t allow you to lie to yourself without consequence, here’s a clue for you:
If you’re bingeing, overeating, emotionally eating, or just feel so out-of-control in your relationship with food in other ways…
Take a look at how honest you’re being with yourself. Take a look at where you might be acting in conflict with your true values and beliefs.
Is this the life you want to be living, like REALLY really?
Does this feel like the right direction for you? Not what society says is the “right” direction, or what you think would make your parents proud, but what’s really true for you.
I bet if you can sit still for a while you’ll hear that voice for you. And I wonder what would happen to your issues with food and weight once you start to follow your inner guidance system?
